Ruby Jarvis, Cocker Spaniel: Restaurant Reviewer

Cotswold Cloche invited Ruby, the Cocker Spaniel, to be our guest restaurant reviewer.

The Hare and Hounds, Westonbirt

Ruby writes: It's fair to say I'm a bit of a foodie. My home town of Nailsworth is full of independent food venues. For example, Mortimer Gardens, our local park. I once found a delicious baguette in a bush there. It went down without touching the sides... So, to be honest with you, I can't in any way describe the taste or texture. But it filled a gap for all of several minutes.

Second only to that was the Cajun chicken wrap I discovered beneath the parked trolleys in Morrisons. I told you Nailsworth was a foodie town! My only complaint is around consistency. You get to like somewhere; you return, only to find it's changed. I've been back to both locations multiple times and found absolutely nothing.

People say I'm not discerning but that's completely untrue. Even as I'm chewing, I can detect anything healthy, separate it, and spit it out in a flash. A piece of spinach or a lettuce leaf; or – it goes without saying – a worming tablet.

I'm partial to a drink, too. Young, fresh rainwater lacks nuance and maturity. In fact, it's for pussies. (I hate cats.) (No idea why.) Neither can I stand those communal bowls outside shops. (I mean, would you?) Whereas a filthy puddle has depth, colour and texture.

To get to the point: when I heard I was going to lunch at the Hare and Hounds at Westonbirt, I was delighted. Of course, I instantly chose the hare. Sounded yummy. It transpired, however – somewhat misleadingly – that this wasn't the menu but the venue. (Note to manager: this needs to be made much more clear.)

We're shown to a lovely table in Jack Hare's Bar – beautifully placed for begging – where assistant manager Marcus Gardner kindly describes the menu. Succulent beef and turkey.

I nod.

Again – very misleadingly – it seems you have to pick one or the other; an unnecessary complication. However, the beef turns out to be one of the best meals I've eaten in a very, very long time. In fact, close on half an hour.

Finishing meals is one of the most depressing experiences you can have; but things look up when Rosie and Bella arrive: soft-coated Wheaten Terriers. (What an absolute dream! To be named after food!) They've come up from Bristol for a walk at nearby Westonbirt Arboretum, the national collection of sticks.

I then have to wait several months (in dog years) for the owners to finish their lunch, of which I see very little. (Yes, yes: I do remember Hot-chipgate. But only you two thought it was a problem.) I've done a lot of work around telekinesis but, if it did exist, dogs would have perfected it aeons ago.

Marcus then kindly shows us round rooms that are dog-friendly (a quarter of the 42 available!) (NB not a single cat-friendly room. This is a class establishment.) I'm less keen on the outside dog spray – a hose, allegedly to wash off e.g. mud or the scent of badgers. Again, ridiculous. You don't see a hose placed in the tester department of duty-free shops. (I give Marcus a very hard stare when he tries to claim the fact that it's 'warm water' is in any way tempting.)

All in all, my experience has been impeccable. I've never wanted a meal that was peccable in the first place. In fact, it was imgollopable. First opportunity, I'm going back.

The human angle

Katie Jarvis writes: OK – so we all know what it's like to have somebody staring intently at you if you're holding even the slightest morsel of food. (But enough of Ian, my husband, half an hour before each meal-time.) (He does, on occasion, cook, though I've pleaded with him not to after That Occasion When Oven Chips Were Microwaved.)

But even Ruby, at the Hare and Hounds, was decorum personified (per-dogified). This is a venue where humans and canines have an equally blissful experience.

While she tucks into a three-course box (including chew stick and biscuits), we go for the Jack Hare's menu catering for all palettes, including Ian (gluten-free) and me (vegan). We're the dream date.

We order a Chalcraft Farm beef burger (£22) with bacon and honey chutney, Applewood Cheddar, and skin-on fries (as someone who supports independent food producers, I much approve of the provenance); and a slow-cooked aubergine with smoked chilli and borlotti bean puree, roasted onion and preserved lemon (£17.50). Absolutely delicious. (There's a lighter lunch menu with sandwiches, if preferred.)

My plant-based orange and ginger crumble with custard is sublime (£9); while Ian has an excellent Perl Wen cheesecake with burnt white chocolate and rhubarb (£9.50).

It is – I have to say – one of the most relaxing places we've ever taken Ruby; and the dogs (there are at least four in the bar) are all beautifully behaved. We love the dog-friendly rooms (the one we are shown has an en suite) (in other words, garden access); (another set of cottages is decorated with special doggy wallpaper).

Ruby insists on us taking photos of her meal to show off to Billy the Kit – our family cat to whom she hasn't spoken for nine years now, after an uncalled-for incident involving her tail.

The Hare and Hounds – one of the Cotswolds Inns and Hotels group – is at Bath Road, Westonbirt, Tetbury GL8 8QL, 01666 881000; cotswold-inns-hotels.co.uk/hare-and-hounds-hotel

There are lovely walks within the hotel's extensive grounds. Plus, a few minutes' walk away is Westonbirt, The National Arboretum, with wonderful dog-friendly (including some off-lead) areas: forestryengland.uk/westonbirt-the-national-arboretum